First rejection...now perfection (or at least I am trying)

The pressure is getting to me! My friends Jennifer and Allison are posting like crazy and I haven't posted in 5 days. I am close to falling under the pressure of blogging about my kids but, quite honestly, I am enjoying some "me" time - even if it is on this blog. So, today I will write about Jared and I again, but mainly about me.

In October 2006 I went to the doctor complaining of being too uptight / anxious and grumpy. I went to a lady we call the doc-in-a-box. She'll give you whatever you want if you tell her your diagnosis. haha. So, she gave me a prescription to lexapro. I paid around $70 for this one month prescription and took two or three pills and said, nah, this is not helping and went back to my old ways - griping, OCD cleaning, bossing and being in a bad mood around Jared and my kids.

I thought of medication as a cop-out because as a teacher too many times we hear, well he/ she is not able to do this because we need to change their medicine or they forgot to take it and on and on. Parents become such enablers ... but that is a whole nother post. (Is nother a word, it seemed to be the only thing to make since there?!) So, anyway, I did not want to become this mom / wife that depended on something to alter my moods or my OCD tendencies. It's funny how when some idea comes into your thoughts you seem to hear about it more often - the news, other people, the internet. I guess I became enlightened to the topic because for the next year it seemed to come up in random conversations with other moms / wives. I still wasn't ready to make the medicated committment.

One year later, in October 2007, I became desperate. Something had to change or my marriage was over. And that is matter of fact. I just hoped that it wasn't too late. I was willing to do whatever it took to work this out. I contemplated on whether or not this was what I wanted - did I want to be a single mom with three children, did I want to have to move (again), did I want to be forced to make ends meet with my salary and child's support? Of course not. No matter how mad and how hurt I was , I loved Jared through it all. I was not ready to give up on 11 years of marriage before taking drastic measures. I started seeing a counselor. I knew that I had issues that I could not fix on my own. Jared has told me for many years that he would be the best husband if I would just let him. I have never let him. I was controlling, demanding and bitter. Walls had been built between us through these 11 years and it would take some major hammering to knock these walls down. It has not been a two person job, it has been three. Jared was willing to give me a chance to get things right, I was willing to get help and God saw us through it all. He picked us both up and carried us out of the valley.

Back to my story.... I started seeing a christian counselor who is an educator and a wonderful lady through and through. She listened to my story and asked me if I had ever been on any kind of medication and I told her what I mentioned above. She suggested that I get back on the medicine and give it three to six weeks before seeing an effect. She also gave me some great marital advice that I would love to share with others. So, that night I started taking the medication again. A couple of days later I felt like I was seeing a change - here is where the questioning comes in - was it all in my mind or was I making changes I had not been able to make before. Whatever the answer, I would keep doing what I was doing. I was trying to be a better person and quit being so, for lack of a better word, anal.

I continued seeing the counselor, implementing her advice, sharing the thoughts with friends and became aware of my actions and reactions. I also continued taking the medicine. Suddenly, it was okay that the end table had dust on it or that one of the kids did not pick something up. It would get done. How often do I really have company any way?! Not only did my OCDs start fading but I was nicer to Jared and my kids. If anything, this would be the top priority. Jared and I were getting along, we were talking and laughing and spending time together. Wow! We were making strides.

It is now January 2008 and I was at lunch with some friends today. No one ever wants to admit that they have problems in their marriage but I have a story worth sharing. As women, we gripe and gripe about things our husbands don't do that we feel they should be doing and all the things we have to do as moms and wives. You know where that got me? Slapping mortar on that "brick wall" I mentioned before. During lunch, that kind of conversation came up and I was able to share my success story. It took me changing for Jared to want to change. Did I feel like I needed to be the only one in the counselor's office? No way. Did I feel like I was the only one in the wrong? Not at all. Was I willing to make a change to see if things could get better? You better believe it. I feel almost though it has been a manipulation process - I have changed and Jared has also changed. Me being nicer, being more willing to do things he wants to do, taking an interest in what he is doing and sharing my life with him has him helping with the kids - in all aspects, even discipline, and always being willing to help me with household chores. I don't even have to ask or become angry for it to happen, he has taken initiative. Things are SO much better with us and I know that I will forever be thankful to the friends that listened to me rant and rage and then cry my heart out, the counselor, and my Lord Jesus for taking us out of the valley and putting us back onto solid ground. And as I tell my friends, thank the Lord for the lexapro! You can call it a cop-out, I call it a life saver.

By the way, I looked up nother and it is a word :0)