I've always said that I couldn't believe how some people put all of their personal business and feelings on Facebook. I have become one of those people. What did we do before Facebook when we had so many troubles and heartaches - probably picked up the phone and called a friend or found something to busy ourselves with because there weren't any shows DVRed that we could turn to (while on the computer). Retail therapy used to be one of my favorite distractions but that doesn't do much for me anymore. I usually end up taking the impulse purchases back or the things that don't fit wind up in the back of my car and never get returned, thus it all becomes a waste of hard-earned money. I used to spend a lot more time with friends but like an injured animal, I have retreated. I went to my "safe place" hoping not to get hurt again - but evidently, I need to find a new place because I have been hurt while I was down and just don't have the selfishness to fight it.
I've become crazy with my FB statuses, I think I need to go to "status updates anonymous". I don't do it so that people feel will sorry for me, trust me I don't deserve the sympathy. I don't know why I do it. If I think it, I post it... not good. Technology makes things too convenient, my iPhone has become a huge part of my life. If I still had the bag cell phone with the cord - that was literally a "car phone" - it might have saved me a lot of heartache. I wouldn't have been so accessible, I would not have put my heart on the line only to have it broken again. I've got pieces scattered everywhere and one day, I will pick up those pieces and move on.
I am just not the person that I used to be six/seven months ago. I was a wife, a friend, a mom and I was happy and comfortable. Five months ago, I was ready for a divorce because it was just time to start a new chapter in my life. I haven't regretted that decision. Yeah, it's hard but it wasn't necessarily easier to stay married. It's been rough with all of the firsts that come up but it's a situation that we have created and have to keep on keeping on. People say that it will get easier and there won't be so much tension, disagreements and confusion. I think it will eventually level out where Jared and I can get along and make decisions based on the kid's needs without all of the bitterness. We have to. They are our first priority. I also want to bring my happiness back around, it's been missing in action for too long.
So, there was one week, the week of April 4th-11th, that I was happy every single day. Nothing rocked my world. On Sunday, the kids and I went and looked at houses that were for sale and then ended up in a neighborhood where we picked a lot and chose to build our own house. We were all four SO excited. We haven't had that much fun together in awhile, my heart was smiling all day long. Clayson chose a lot that would be easy for him to mow, Trey chose his bedroom in the floorplan and Ashlyn didn't care as long as she could have a pink and black room. I fell in love with the openess of the kitchen and living room. It was just what we needed to lift our spirits for the unknown future that we were facing. On Wednesday, I signed the contract to get things rolling. Our house sold quickly - we close around May 15th and have to be out around May 20th. I have been super excited to think that this house will be all mine and I get to choose everything about it and there won't be any dead animals mounted on the walls :0). It's going to be a much needed distraction and could not have come at a better time because on Monday morning, my world came crashing down once again. I always say to make choices that you can live with, I guess I should have taken my own advice.
So, as happy as I am about this new house - I am sad about another situation. Thank goodness this is our temporary home. One day there will be no more sorrow and no more tears, I am ready for THAT DAY.
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