end of the road

On February 4, 1994 we were sitting in Art class having a free day, but we had to be doing some kind of art. Because of my love for writing, I decided to write Jared a note - adding color and bubble letters - giving him my phone number, just in case...

On February 4, 2010 I will write Jared a note thanking him for the memories, our three children and for our sixteen years together. It will also be the day that we sign a note ending our thirteen and a half year marriage.

It has been an incredible journey as we have grown up together but unfortunately, we have also grown apart. Nothing significat (affairs or such) caused this decision to be made. It has been a long time coming as we have faced struggles, always just sweeping them under the rug. But, the troubles don't go away under that rug. They tend to build up as have the walls between us.

As Jared has told me several times in the past few weeks as I've questioned this decision, it's just something that we have to go through right now. It is hard to swallow that pride. I wanted to be a success story - yes, we married young - yes, we had kids young - yes, we tried hard to make it work and many times it did - but, yes, it is time for us to end this journey and find happiness within ourselves and for our children's sake.

Because of how hard we worked on having our house built we have decided on a unique situation (although I have heard it compared to John and Kate plus eight). Jared and I will remain living in the house together, coexisting for the sake of our precious kids. It has worked for the past three months and through prayer, patience and peacefulness I hope that it can last as long as possible. Our kids are not having to do any transitioning. We have split custody but the benefit is that we are always around them - I don't feel like I am ever losing my kids and they still feel like they have both parents all the time. I am so thankful for this situation.

So, as we go to court in the morning I expect it to be emotional. It's like a death - a marriage dying - and I will grieve. I have lost weight, I have lost sleep, I have lost someone that I loved but I have not lost hope for the future. I have amazing friends and family. Some have heard me cry and complain for three months but thank goodness they have not given up on me (or blocked my number from their phones). I could not have made it without them and know that there will be tough times ahead and am thankful to have these friends that I can always count on. And, so many facebook friends have been so encouraging and I have appreciated the love and kindness shown here.

I'll end this with our wedding song:
"I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars. He sure knew what He was doin, when He joined these two hearts..." Because our hearts were joined sixteen years ago we have been blessed with Clayson, Trey and Ashlyn and that has made it all worthwhile.